Write on, brother

I have done a lot of online dating on many different sites. Had a number of relationships with women I’ve met online and have a few thoughts that may be helpful. The best way I can help you is with the process of online dating as I experienced it because I don’t really know who you are, I don’t know if the way you describe yourself is accurate and there isn’t any way for me to know. Accuracy in describing yourself and what you are looking for in a partner are really important – and accuracy in what you look like in your photos. I hope that is obvious to anyone that thinks about it for a moment.

What site or sites are you thinking about joining? I recommend going to those sites and looking at the profiles of other men and women. Yes, both. One is your competition and the other is who you are trying to attract. Get into the way others are using the site so you can learn what you like and don’t like about the way people market themselves. Yes, it is about marketing yourself. Get over it. Remember, everyone else is marketing themselves to you. What a great opportunity.

When you visit a site to ‘research’ profiles, you don’t have to research the local market at first, go to Kalamazoo (or maybe the city where you are from or where you think there are great men and women you might be compatible with). Just read profiles to see how people are doing theirs. Feel free to steal words or phrases you like, especially from someone in Kalamazoo. Find ways to set yourself apart and be unique with your words. That is why you read other profiles, to see what everyone else is saying that looks boring and with a certain sameness and don’t do that.

Have good photos that are accurate and current and show what you really look like today. Look at the photos you like in other profiles. I like close ups of faces and some idea what the person’s body looks like. So someone 500 yards away standing in front of a waterfall shows me they like waterfalls, but not what they look like. My biggest disappointment with online dating is really starting to like someone online and on the phone and then not at all when we meet in person. That can be an instant letdown, especially if people have lied in their photos, so I’m recommending you don’t do that. That letdown can be just about what they look like – which can be avoided for the most part with accurate, recent pics - or also when people get together in person much more is revealed about each other very quickly and there just may not be any chemistry and you may know that in 5 minutes. Or 30 seconds.

You will need to prepare for this search to be a ‘project’ in your life. If you don’t have time for a project, do you have time for a relationship? You will probably be connecting online with multiple people and hopefully meeting several. You are only looking for one person (presumably; no judgment here), so there will be people that aren’t right and you can disengage from them quickly and courteously. That is part of the process. Use the meetings that don’t work to hone your people skills and become comfortable with meeting people this way. You should be able to check your email regularly and be responsive to people that you are in dialog with. Or, this may not be for you.

I do encourage that you search yourself for the answers about who you are and what you are looking for. Every site asks these questions in a different way. Most offer some space for ‘free form’ paragraphs along with all the check boxes. This is a great chance for some soul searching and to be realistic about who you are and what you are looking for. You’ll have to be willing to ‘brag’ about yourself in an honest way so you can tell people what your good qualities and activities are. Also, it doesn’t hurt to be honest about things that aren’t your best qualities so people can eliminate you if you aren’t right for them. Being willing to eliminate people in this manner makes for having less embarrassing coffee dates where you know in 30 seconds but have a full coffee in front of you.

You might get what you ask for, so get clear yourself first. And be willing to present yourself in a manner that represents you. This process will probably work best for people that don’t think of themselves as ‘private people’ as the more you reveal, the better your chance of success.

Have your photos ready to go, post them and hide your profile until the photos show up after being approved by the site (this works differently on each site but it is important) , so when you first ‘hit’ as a NEW member, your whole profile will be complete and ready to go. You only get one chance to make a first impression. More sophisticated sites like match.com that you pay for can email you when new people join that meet your basic set of needs that you can create, so when those emails first go out, you want your photos there.

Don’t just skip through the profile process thinking you’ll go back and answer all those thought provoking questions later. A bunch of answers that just say ‘tell ya later’ doesn’t cut it. Even if you’re just dying to get up and running cos you just found Mr Freakin’ Right and you have to email him Right Now!

You are not obligated to respond to everyone that ‘requests’ you (this is different on each site). You can just ignore people if not interested. I think a short acknowledgment and a polite ‘no thanks’ helps keep integrity in the system. I also recommend moving to the phone after just a few emails or less (that is like going from a one dimensional connection to a 2 dimensional connection) , but only when you feel safe; and meeting in person after a phone call or 2 (going from 2D to 3D). Don’t drag out meeting in person or beware of great expectations turning to great disappointments.

It isn’t the least bit about reality until you get face to face. It is only about what the other person has chosen to reveal and how you’ve colored it to make them into your perfect mate with hardly any information. And (this is the beauty of onlinedating) once you do meet, if you like what each other looks like and feel some chemistry, you are miles ahead of seeing someone across a room and thinking they are attractive, you already know a ton of other stuff about each other and it makes it really exciting to move forward. Especially if people have been totally honest all the way in the process. I once tried to lie about my age to appear ‘just under 50’ but the instant I met a woman I realized I had a lie to clear up before we even got started.

But, women especially, you can have some control over the initial meeting place, so pick someplace you’ll feel safe and comfortable. I like a face to face sit down over coffee or wine with a limited time for a first meeting. Getting together again, even later the same day if you’re hot hot hot, is better than dinner and a movie with someone you knew about after 30 seconds.

I also feel it a courtesy to let people know if you wish to see them again or not, and be honest about it so you don’t add to the conversation about men and women not trusting each other, etc. I would just ask if I wanted to get together again and accept the yes or no I got back, or say something like “thanks for meeting me, I’m not really feeling a strong connection and I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for” if I didn’t. There is nothing anyone has to take personally in that, though if people do, that isn’t your problem. If there is a better way to say ‘no thanks’, please let me know.

As a woman, don’t wait for the men to come to you online. Be sure to use the search features in whatever site(s) you are on and put in some basic criteria like non smoker or whatever is important to you and do your own searches. And write the men you’re interested in. Otherwise you might never find each other. For sure don’t start writing people until your photos have been approved.

I’m only going to say this one other thing about photos. Meeting people is a judgmental process. You will be judged just as you will judge others as someone you might be interested in or not. Certainly this is OK. So, if someone finds you unattractive I think it is better to let them do that online than over an awkward drink where they might be sitting there angry that you don’t look like the woman you looked like 20 years ago in your photos. Or, you’re now a fat(ter) guy.

Here is something interesting. Most people have heard and agree with the concept that ‘men care more about what is on the outside and women care more about what is on the inside’. How this plays out, as a generalization, is that women are happy to judge men on if they love children, do charity work and like to camp; but women don’t like to be judged on what they look like. I don’t think it is really men’s fault that we are somehow attracted to some women and not others. And no matter what the women say, they care what their guy looks like, too.

From my personal experiences, I like match.com for the best paid site and plentyoffish.com for the best free site, and craigslist.org can also be fun, depending on what you are looking for. I didn’t like eharmony.com as I thought they had way too much process involved in connecting with people.

*A little disclaimer here. If you follow any of this advice and end up married to the wrong person or anything else bad happens to you, it ain’t my fault. Not everybody tells the truth online. Or in person. So, keep your radar at a high level. Have fun, play safe, enjoy life. Oh, and everything I’ve said is the truth.

Maury King