Write on, brother

Ohmigod! Ed McMahon at my door. It’s about time someone wants to give me lots of money, and I could really use it. I always wondered if Publisher’s Clearinghouse was even legit. But there’s a gorgeous woman behind Ed flashing pearly whites and a large check. And a cameraman. So, he introduces himself, as if he needed to, and told me it was my lucky day. He threw his arms around me to give me a big congratulatory hug and I got a whiff of some really strong BO. Whew. Take a bath dude. I almost said. But I wasn’t yet sure how certain I was of getting the money. So, I kept my mouth shut. But when he started talking to me real close up – maybe for the cameraman’s benefit – I got a whiff of his breath. Whew again. Garlic, onions, unbrushed teeth and booze booze booze. Heck, it was only ten in the morning. I guess things weren’t so good since he stopped co hosting the Tonight Show. Or, maybe being second banana to Johnny finally got to him. As he stood before me and kept talking about the prize, explaining how I’d won a cool million and the rules for receiving it, I had a chance to get over my surprise and take a closer look. What was that stain on his tie? How wrinkled his shirt was. Geez, did those scuffed shoes really even match? Maybe he’d been too drunk to tell when he got dressed. Poor guy. I guess crashing from fame can really take its toll. He finally finished talking, and I thought he was turning around to finally get me my check, but he just leaned over and puked all over my lawn. He turned back to me, running his sleeve across his mouth, but he unfortunately left a couple bits of vomit for me to stare at. At last he called over his lovely assistant with the check as I was thinking how much fun it would be to spend it all romancing her, when he burst out crying and just spilled his guts about what a miserable life he had and how lonely he was, and to top it off, he said his investments in the beefsteak mine hadn’t really worked out too well and he was broke. This was just a bit much for me, and as he handed me the check, I turned it over, endorsed it over to him, handed it over to him, and told him to have a nice day. Selflessly at the moment. But I quickly realized that my act of kindness might impress his assistant and maybe she’d come rushing into my arms and we’d fall in love and live happily ever after. And we did.